An excerpt from the original email question, sent to me by a member of my online class:

“I have had a life time of abuse and parts of it seem to only come out in yoga class - I have told my teacher about this but since the classes are large and I am always in the back and she is always in the front, I feel like I have to deal with it by myself. What do you do when yoga brings up such painful emotions?  Everyone else is going through their practice and leaves with such happiness and sometimes I leave class feeling so alone.”

My response, sent to all members of the online class:

The first thing I want to say is that when strong emotions come up in yoga practice, it is important to understand that you are not doing anything wrong. It may be a sign that the yoga is “working.”

Here is a way to think about what is happening:

When a child is abused, the first thing they learn to do is shut some part of themselves off. If a child learns that an adult will not respond to their distress, they hide it. It is easier not to ask for help or attention or love, than to ask and be rejected. If a child learns that expressing their needs can “set off” an abusive parent, they learn not to have needs (or at least, not to show it). If a child cannot stop an abusive act from happening, they learn to shut off the experience of being present for it.

All of this is an expression of not feeling safe in the present moment. Anyone who is abused learns not to feel what they are feeling, and not to show what they are feeling. And then you spend the rest of your life looking for someone or something that makes you feel safe.

Yoga is a healing practice because it creates a safe space. When you practice yoga with mindfulness, awareness of the breath, and care for your body, something breaks open. The part of you that has been feeling unsafe, or uncared for, suddenly experiences the spaciousness of self-compassion. And everything that has not been “safe” to feel, suddenly shows up. Sadness, anger, loneliness, grief – whatever needs are unmet will show up.

You have to recognize that this is happening because you are doing something right. You are discovering that you can be the caregiver for yourself. The part of you who has been abused is feeling cared for, and is letting down the wall.

Knowing this doesn’t magically make the feelings go away. The practice I have been taught, to deal with difficult emotions that arise during practice, is to cultivate a sense of yourself as a caregiver for your emotions. To witness the emotion without feeling like you need to fix it or make it go away. To feel a tremendous sense of compassion for the emotion, and for the “you” that feels it (including yourself as a child, if the emotion relates to early experiences or family conflict).

When the emotion arises, hold the experience in your heart and body, and say to it, “Welcome. You are safe.” Feel the emotion the way you might feel a yoga pose – as an experience of the body and breath. Maintain a witness consciousness that can observe the experience. Recognize that the emotion is not a permanent state, and it is not all of you, or all that you are. Then, practice self-care. Do whatever you need to do in the moment – rest, choose to do something different than the rest of the class, cry, breathe. See if you can hold the spaciousness that allowed the emotion to show up. If you keep the spaciousness, the emotion will soften and run its course.

The second thing I want to say has to do with feeling isolated within the community of a yoga class. One thing I do, as a teacher, is to look at each student lying in savasana and think, “Thank you for being here. May you be happy, may you know peace.”  Each student, one at a time, really seeing them. As a student, you can cultivate the same sense of gratitude for the people who share the space and practice with you. One of my teachers says that the ideal spiritual community is one that shows up and practices with you – and you don’t go out for coffee with them, or spend time gossiping about your lives, or hang out at each other’s houses. You just hold the practice space for each other, and allow each other to be exactly who they are without having to explain or justify or wear the identity of who they are outside of the practice space. So, you don’t need to know the people who practice with you, or even ever talk to them, to feel connected and supported by them. Practice playing that role for other students, offering spacious acceptance.

Take care,

Kelly