The Yoga of Connection with Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D.

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The Yoga of Connection

Week 49: More Responses to Homework and More Homework

This week, some more responses to the homework question from week 46, and new homework (scroll down to the end of this message). Responses to this homework will be sent out in future emails; as always, honest reflection is valued over perfect prose. If I could only convince you how beautiful and valued your ramblings are.

Response #1:

1) What does it mean for you to feel "connected"?
Kelly, to be honest with you, I hardly ever feel connected and because I feel like I have never felt it, I am not sure that I can tell you what it means. I always feel alienated in everything that I do, from following a plant-based diet to being a black girl teaching yoga. My family is far away and my husband's family thinks I am weird. I am not sure that I know how to connect with my kids or my husband. My mat is a place where I feel inferior. In my mind, connection is something I should be able to feel and know that it is connection. Sometimes I feel it with my kids but it's only temporary; usually until my daughter spills something or my son starts to whine.

2) When was the last time you felt this--what was the context, what was your attitude, who was with you, what were you doing, and where was you attention? In other words, what conditions created this experience?
I cannot share with you this experience but I honestly don't remember having one.

3) What do you think is the greatest obstacle to your experiencing this state of connection?

I do not trust and I have unrealistic expectations for the rest of the world and myself

Response # 2:
1) What does it mean for you to feel "connected"?

To be understood and to understand others. I know no one can really truly understand another but I think you can feel the intention of wanting to be understood from others (in their body language, speech, tone of voice) and that to me is connection. I don't know if understood is the right word. Maybe 'experienced' could be substituted for understood. It's like basking in another persons presence/essence. There has to be a willingness to let another in, and to get yourself out the way to do this, and see the world through other eyes.

2) When was the last time you felt this--what was the context, what was your attitude, who was with you, what were you doing, and where was you attention? In other words, what conditions created this experience?
I felt this last month when I visited my parents and other extended family in India. I have always got on with my parents whom I see as completely selfless so I had an attitude of love. I enjoy just hanging out in their company. Several times I said something, they totally understood the nuance and my intentions which I felt in their response. I felt completely understood. I felt loved. I felt immense gratitude for this.

3) What do you think is the greatest obstacle to your experiencing this state of connection?

Me. I feel I can only connect to a certain type of person (or so I have been told). Maybe the same type of people. I am close to my family. I have a lot of good friends. But we are the same I think. I like people who 'sit' in another's presence. Or those and who try to be self aware. So my obstacle to connection comes when I am with someone I think talks in an arrogant, selfish, show off, egotistical, irritated, belittling way- if I get a whiff of it- I will not bother with that person. In fact I have problems with those who are very talkative, as they will not shut up and get out of their own way. It shows not caring to listen to others or SHARE a conversation. I really start to hate such people if I am around them often enough.

I know- who the hell do I think I am. Maybe I come off like that too. I know I cannot see into people hearts. Good people do bad things and bad people do good things if there is any such thing as a good and bad person. But my peace of mind is totally disturbed when I see people saying things that I think does not consider others feelings. I have really gone out of control when it is my feelings at stake. Intellectually I know it is all subjective- what one person considers arrogant or selfish maybe another does not. But on the other hand, the way someone says something surely signify's their intentions. I want to smile at others, laugh along with others and find common ground with others. Doesn't everyone want to do that? Maybe not. How do we move along with those who don't do that- family members, co workers, neighbours, etc.

My Judgment is the greatest obstacle to experiencing connection. But my judgment of others protects me from 'bad'(as defined by above) people and has gained me excellent friends. But many times I need to be with others who have different ideas of how to behave with people. What then? It does not protect me from 'bad people', it means I only like people who think like me. On the other hand what is wrong with feeling comfortable? I would like to be at a stage where I could healthly deal with people whose behaviour I do not agree with.

Response #3:

1) What does it mean for you to feel "connected"?

The sense of being and knowing while I am in a state, moment or situation. With this feeling of knowing and being, I feel 'connected' to that community or person.

2) When was the last time you felt this--what was the context, what was your attitude, who was with you, what were you doing, and where was your attention? In other words, what conditions created this experience?

When I was in your Saturday class on 11/25 at Avalon. Though we have not talked to each other 1x1, by following your instruction in your class with the nice setting of the studio, I was able to follow your direction and benefited from it by doing the stretches and twistings. I felt that I was connected in your yogic community though I have not met any one in the class either.

3) What do you think is the greatest obstacle to your experiencing this state of connection?

Finding that moment of 'knowing' and 'being' comfortably in life has been challenging to me.

*****

New Homework: Ready to Let Go

Throughout the year, we have explored many ways that our struggle to maintain certain beliefs, or parts of our identity, can create a state of disconnection. By answering this week's question, you can set into motion the act of letting go of this struggle.

What belief about the world, or part of your identity, are you ready to let go of?

What are you ready to drop?

Take care,

Kelly

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